The Aberrant Academy
by iwuntmuffen
Summary: My take on The Austere Academy. Brief language.
1. The Boy in the Cafeteria

_A/N: Hello! I must warn you that most of the first chapter will be __**very **__similar to the book. I apologize for this, and it's the reason why I'm uploading two chapters at once. The second chapter will mostly be my creation. _

_**Disclaimer: All characters and places belong to Lemony Snicket.**_

As Klaus walked along the sidewalk outside Prufrock Preparatory School, he realized that he would be surrounded by students his own age. Would they be kind and inviting? It had been so long since he had seen his friends. Oh, how he missed sitting in a real classroom. Klaus's thoughts were interrupted by a girl by the name of Carmelita Spats.

"Move out of my way you cakesniffers!" she shouted, shoving Klaus and his siblings aside.

Klaus watched her for a moment, wondering what exactly a cakesniffer meant, before he continued looking at the moss on the brick sidewalk. He remembered a book he once read on moss. He was so nervous, he didn't want to concentrate on anything else.

"Have you dropped something?" Mr. Poe asked, coughing into a white handkerchief.

"No, we haven't dropped anything," Violet replied. Klaus noticed that she, too, was observing the moss. He put his hand on her shoulder, a gesture that he knew she found comforting. Normally, he would've said something comforting as well, but his shyness got the best of him. A smile would have to do.

"I know why you're all so quiet," Mr. Poe said. "It's because you're excited, and I don't blame you. I always wanted to go to boarding school when I was younger, but I never had the chance. I'm a little jealous of you, if you want to know the truth."

_The fact that it's a boarding school is the most terrifying part, _Klaus thought. If no one liked him, he would be stuck with those people all year.

"You're very lucky to be here," Mr. Poe continued. "I had to call more than four schools before I found one that could take all three of you at such short notice. Prufrock Prep — that's what they call it, as a sort of nickname — is a very fine academy. The teachers all have advanced degrees. The dormitory rooms are all finely furnished. And most important of all, there is an advanced computer system which will keep Count Olaf away from you. Vice Principal Nero told me that Count Olaf's complete description-everything from his one long eyebrow to the tattoo of an eye on his left ankle — has been programmed into the computer, so you three should be safe here for the next several years."

"But how can a computer keep Count Olaf away?" Violet asked in a puzzled voice, still looking down at the ground.

"It's an _advanced _computer," Mr. Poe said, "Don't worry your little heads about Count Olaf. Vice Principal Nero has promised me that he will keep a close eye on you. After all, a school as _advanced _as Prufrock Prep wouldn't allow people to simply run around loose."

Klaus didn't have time to tell Mr. Poe how ridiculous this sounded, because Carmelita once again crossed his path.

"Move, cakesniffers!"she said.

"What does 'cakesniffers' mean?"Violet murmured to Klaus.

"I don't know," Klaus admitted. "but it doesn't sound very nice."

"What a charming word that is," Mr. Poe said, oblivious to Carmelita's nasty tone, _"Cakesniffers. _I don't know what it means, but it reminds me of pastry. Oh well, here we are."

The group reached the end of the mossy, brick sidewalk. The two teens and their baby sister gasped at what they saw. Maybe it was a coincidence, but the buildings of the school resembled something one such as Mr. Poe might call a thumb. Others, a gravestone.

"Rather odd architecture," Mr. Poe commented. "Each building looks like a thumb. In any case, you are to report to Vice Principal Nero's office immediately. It's on the ninth floor of the main building."

"Aren't you coming with us, Mr. Poe?" Violet asked.

Even though he was well over the age of which he needed an adult to go to a vice principal's office, Klaus appreciated that Violet asked. Who knows who could be lurking nearby.

Mr. Poe coughed into his handkerchief and looked at his wristwatch at the same time. "I'm afraid not," he said when his coughing passed. "The banking day has already begun. But I've talked over everything with Vice Principal Nero, and if there's any problem, remember you can always contact me or any of my associates at Mulctuary Money Management. Now, off you go. Have a wonderful time at Prufrock Prep."

"I'm sure we will," said Violet, bravely. "Thank you for everything, Mr. Poe."

"Yes, thank you," Klaus said, shaking Mr. Poe's hand.

"Terfunt," Sunny said, which was her way of saying "Thank you."

"You're welcome, all of you," Mr. Poe said. "So long." He nodded at all three Baudelaires, and Violet and Sunny watched him walk back down the sidewalk, carefully avoiding the running children. But Klaus didn't watch him. Klaus was looking at the enormous arch over the academy.

"Maybe I don't know what 'cakesniffer' means," Klaus said, "but I think I can translate our new school's motto."

"It doesn't even look like it's in English," Violet said, peering up at it.

"Racho," Sunny agreed.

"It's not," Klaus said. "It's in Latin. Many mottoes are in Latin, for some reason. I don't know very much Latin, but I do remember reading this phrase in a book about the Middle Ages. If it means what I think it means, it's certainly a strange motto."

"What do you think it means?" Violet asked.

"If I'm not mistaken," said Klaus, who was rarely mistaken,"Memento Mori' means 'Remember you will die."

"Remember you will die," Violet repeated. The Baudelaires shivered as they walked towards their new home.

Klaus and his siblings stood outside the vice principal's door, and he wondered what was being murdered on the other side. He listened more closely and realized that the sound was, in fact, a violin.

He thought of his father, the one night he told the three, "Children, there is no worse sound in the world than somebody who cannot play the violin who insists on doing so anyway."

Klaus watched Violet as she knocked on the door quite loudly. The door was opened by a man the Baudelaires assumed was their vice principal.

"Who dares interrupt a genius when he is rehearsing?" he asked, in a booming voice. If Klaus had gathered any courage, it was lost now.

"The Baudelaires," he said quietly, looking at the floor. "Mr. Poe said to come right to Vice Principal Nero's office."

"_Mr. Poe said to come right to Vice Principal Nero's office_," the man mimicked in a high, shrieky voice. "Well, come in, come in, I don't have all afternoon."

After more mimics and unfair rules, the teens, and baby, made their way to their sleeping quarters. It was a rather ugly shack with goo on the ceiling, bales of hay for beds, hideous walls, and small crabs about the size of a matchbox. It was a rule that you had to have a signed permission slip from a guardian to stay in the dormitories. The three tried to make light of the situation.

"This isn't such a nice room," Violet said, "but if I put my mind to it, I bet I can invent something that can keep these crabs away from us."

"And I'm going to read up on this light tan fungus." Klaus said. "Maybe the

dormitory library has information on how to stop it from dripping."

"Ivoser," Sunny said, which meant something like "I bet I can use my four sharp teeth to scrape this paint away and make the walls a bit less ugly."

Klaus gave his baby sister a little kiss on the top of her head. "At least we get to go to school," he pointed out.

"Me too," Violet agreed. "And at least we'll meet some people our own age. We've only had the company of adults for quite some time."

"That's true," Klaus said. "And who knows? Maybe the advanced computer really can keep Count Olaf away, and that's the most important thing of all."

"You're right," Violet said. "Any room that doesn't have Count Olaf in it is good enough for me."

"Olo," Sunny said, which meant "Even if it's ugly, damp, and filled with crabs."

They all sighed as they realized that maybe it wasn't best to be _too _optimistic.

"Well," Klaus said after a while,"it feels like it's about lunchtime. Remember, if we're late they take away our cups and glasses, so we should probably get a move on."

"Those rules are ridiculous," Violet said, "Lunchtime isn't a specific time, so you can't be late for it. It's just a word that means 'around lunch."

"I know," Klaus said, "and the part about Sunny being punished for going to the administrative building, when she _has _to go there to be Nero's secretary, is completely absurd."

"Kale!" Sunny said, putting her little hand on her brother's knee. She meant something like "Don't worry about it. I'm a baby, so I hardly ever use silverware. It doesn't matter that it'll be taken away from me."

The Baudelaires walked to the cafeteria, braving themselves to face a room crowded with students and staff. They observed the huge lasagna, not remembering a time they saw one bigger.

After they got their trays, they paused. Where would they sit? They recognized the girl that had shoved them aside earlier that day. They started to walk towards her table when she cried, "Don't even _think _of eating around here, you cakesniffers!" Several of her friends nodded in agreement. "Nobody wants to have lunch with people who live in the Orphans Shack!"

"I'm terribly sorry," Klaus said, feeling not sorry at all. "I didn't mean to disturb you."

Carmelita, picked up her silverware and began to bang it on her tray in a rhythmic way.

"Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans Shack! Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans Shack!" she chanted, and many other students joined right in. In a few seconds, it seemed like the entire cafeteria was banging their silverware and chanting, "Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans Shack!"

The three siblings stepped closer together, craning their necks to see if there was any possible place to which they could escape and eat their lunch in peace.

"Oh, leave them alone, Carmelita!" a voice cried over the chanting. The Baudelaires turned around and saw a boy with very dark hair and very wide eyes._"You're _the cakesniffer, and nobody in their right mind would want to eat with you anyway. Come on," the boy said, turning to the Baudelaires. "There's room at our table."

"Thank you very much," Klaus replied.

They walked to a table that was almost empty besides a girl that looked identical to the boy. He sat down next to her, and the Baudelaires sat on the other side in front of them. The two identical teens both had notebooks in their sweater pockets. The boy's was green, the girl's was black.

"I'm Violet Baudelaire," Violet introduced, "and this is my brother, Klaus, and our baby sister, Sunny."

"It's nice to meet you," said the boy. "My name is Duncan Quagmire, and this is my sister, Isadora. And the girl who was yelling at you, I'm sorry to say, was Carmelita Spats."

"She didn't seem very nice," Klaus said.

"That is the understatement of the century," Isadora said. "Carmelita Spats is rude, filthy, and violent, and the less time you spend with her the happier you will be."

"Read the Baudelaires the poem you wrote about her," Duncan said to his sister with a smile.

Isadora opened her notebook and read:

"_I would rather eat a bowl of vampire bats_

_than spend an hour with Carmelita Spats._"

Duncan was the first to giggle, and something about his laugh Klaus found infectious, for he laughed very loud. He didn't realize how loud until he saw his sister look at him oddly.

"That was great," he said awkwardly. "I like the part about the bowl of bats..."

"Thanks," Isadora said.

"My father used to have a book on literary criticism, but it was destroyed in a fire."

The Quagmires looked at one another, and their eyes grew wide. "I'm very sorry to hear that," Isadora said. "My brother and I have been through a terrible fire, so we know what that's like. Did your father die in the fire?"

"Yes he did," Klaus said, "and our mother too."

Duncan put down his fork, reached across the table, and held Klaus's hand. Normally this might have embarrassed Klaus a little bit, but under the circumstances it felt perfectly natural.

"I'm so sorry to hear that," he said. "Our parents died in a fire as well. It's awful to miss your parents so much, isn't it? For a long time I was afraid of any kind of fire. I didn't even like to look at stoves."

Klaus smiled. "We stayed with a woman for a while, our Aunt Josephine, who was afraid of stoves. She was afraid that they might explode."

"Explode!" Duncan said. "Even I wasn't afraid as all that. Why aren't you staying with your Aunt Josephine now?"

Klaus's face fell. "She died too," Klaus said quietly. "To tell you the truth, Duncan, our lives have been very topsy-turvy for quite some time."

"I'm very sorry to hear it," Duncan said giving Klaus's hand a squeeze, "and I wish I could tell you that things will get better here, but between Vice Principal Nero playing the violin, Carmelita Spats teasing us, and the dreadful Orphans Shack, Prufrock Prep is a pretty miserable place."

"I think it's awful to call it the Orphans Shack," Violet said. "It's a bad enough place without giving it an insulting nickname."

"The nickname is more of Carmelita's handiwork, I'm sorry to say," Duncan said. "Isadora and I had to live there for three semesters because we needed a parent or guardian to sign our permission slip, and we didn't have one."

"That's the same thing that happened to us!" Violet cried. "And when we asked Nero to make an exception—"

"He said he was too busy practicing the violin," Isadora said, nodding as she finished Violet's sentence. "He always says that. Anyway, Carmelita called it the Orphans Shack when we were living there, and it looks like she's going to keep on doing it."

"Well," Violet sighed, "Carmelita's nasty names are the least of our problems in the shack. How did you deal with the crabs when you lived there?"

Duncan let go of Klaus's hand to take his notebook out of his pocket. Klaus felt the cold spot where Duncan's hand had been and shivered slightly.

"I use my notebook to take notes on things," Duncan explained. "I plan to be a newspaper reporter when I get a little older and I figure it's good to start practicing. Here it is: notes on the crabs. They're afraid of loud noises, you see, so I have a list of things we did to scare them away from us."

"Afraid of loud noises," Violet repeated, and tied her hair up in a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes.

After lunch, the Baudelaires had found two people to call their friends.

_A/N: Okay, so I realize a lot of it was taken from the book. :{| I needed something good to start out with. Review? Don't go away! :)_


	2. Running from Coach Genghis

The students had a free time between the end of lunch and their next class. Isadora wanted to show the Baudelaires the wonderful dormitories, but Duncan wanted to show them the large library. They made a compromise by the girls going to the dormitories, and the boys going to the library.

Klaus smiled as he walked off with Duncan. It had been a while since he had any pleasant free time away from his sisters. When they walked into the building, his eyes widened. He had never seen such a big library. The room was lit by small candles, and between every few rows, there was a table one could sit at and have an apple from the fruit bowl that was placed in the center of each table.

Duncan saw Klaus's reaction, smiled, and said, "I know, right? Follow me, and I'll show you how everything's organized."Duncan experienced a little sensation of freedom himself.

As he pointed out every genre, Klaus's smile grew wider. He decided that he would come here quite often. With no librarian or other student in sight, Klaus could easily snuggle up with a good book here for hours.

"Wow," he said. "It's so great that we came across you twins."

Duncan's face fell. He felt like he was no longer in the library, but outside a burning home in the past.

"Triplets," he said quietly.

"I'm confused," Klaus said, fearing that he had offended Duncan. "Aren't triplets _three _people born at the same time?"

Duncan went to go sit down in one of the comfy recliners. "We _were _three people born at the same time," he explained, "but our brother, Quigley, died in the fire that killed our parents."

Klaus sat down in the chair beside him, and said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean any disrespect to Quigley's memory."

Duncan looked up and gave him a small smile, "No, I'm sorry. There's no way you could have known."

Klaus smiled back at him and decided to change the subject.

"Seeing this vast library reminds me of the small library at Lucky Smells Lumbermill."

"Lumbermill?" Duncan asked, confusion spreading across his face. "Whatever were you doing there?"

"My sisters and I had to work there. That, is until Count Olaf showed up and brought havoc." Duncan tried very hard to process everything Klaus had just said.

"Okay pause for a minute. You had to _work _there? Even your _baby sister?_"

"Yes. Also, they gave us gum for lunch and coupons for payment." Duncan's eyes widened at the monstrosity.

"Surely you must be joking! Gum isn't lunch, it's barely a snack! And what's the use of coupons if you haven't any money to save?"

"Finally, a rational response." Klaus chuckled. "Can't find many of those."

Duncan laughed a little also. "And who's Count Olaf?" he asked.

Klaus's face took on a dark expression. "He's the man that's caused a lot of trouble for me and my siblings. You see, when my parents died, they left a large fortune behind. Since then, Olaf has made it his mission to steal it."

"That's dreadful."

"You have no idea. He's followed us everywhere and murdered many people."

"What about the police? Are they after him?"

"The police are about as clueless as the man in charge of our affairs."

"I.. I don't know what to say.. I wish I could be of help."

"It's fine. You don't have to say anything. I'm just glad I have someone to talk to that doesn't think I'm being silly for being afraid of a criminal."

Duncan patted Klaus's hand and said, "Of course. Anytime."

Klaus stood up and decided to walk around the library more with Duncan.

"What is your favorite book?" Klaus asked his friend.

"_The Portable Dorothy Parker." _replied Duncan.

"Quite a gloomy writer isn't she?" Duncan looked shocked.

"You mean you've heard of her?" Klaus almost snorted.

"Of course I have." Duncan could have hugged Klaus with the happiness that was filling his insides.

"Incredible. I didn't think anyone nowadays knew she existed besides me and Isadora." Klaus blushed. "What about you? Fancy any good books?"

"_The Complete History Of Absolutely Everything, Volume 127 - Cauldron to Caution." _Klaus said without pausing or hesitation. He realized how nerdy this sounded and blushed even more so that his face resembled a tomato.

"Wow," Duncan said in awe, "You like researching too, then?"

"Well, not exactly researching. Just reading and learning new things in general." He nervously laughed. "I must sound like such a bore."

"No, not at all! You sound very fascinating actually." Duncan smiled at the silly boy. Klaus blushed again, but this time it wasn't because of embarrassment. "You know the fungus on the shack's ceiling? I think we have a book on that. Maybe it'll tell us how to make it stop from dripping." They looked around the library for a few minutes, and indeed, the book was there. Klaus flipped through it for a moment then tapped the page containing the solution.

"Salt," he said. "That's how to make it stop, but I don't have any."

"Neither do I, but I bet we can find some." said Duncan. Klaus looked at the clock on a nearby wall and was surprised at how the time flew by.

"We should probably get to class," he said. And so they did.

Klaus and Duncan's teacher was a large woman with long, messy black hair. Her head snapped up from her desk quickly when the two walked in the door.

"Hello," she said a little too loudly. "New student, I assume?" Her eyes gestured to Klaus. The boys nodded. She turned to Duncan. "Well go have a seat, Mr. Quagmire."

Klaus watched Duncan go to his chair, not exactly knowing what to do. Mrs. Bass, the teacher, eyed Klaus for a moment before speaking.

"Stick out your arm, boy," she said. Klaus reluctantly obliged. "Now I want everyone to take out a pencil, a piece of paper, and your rulers. Come form a line and measure his arm."

The students got up from their chairs with a bored face, as if this was a normal procedure whenever there was a new student. When it Duncan's turn to measure Klaus he not only measured his arm, but his head, leg, and other arm. He giggled quietly the whole time.

"You hush," whispered Klaus sharply when Duncan was finished.

"What a commitment to measuring!" Mrs. Bass praised Duncan. By this time, Klaus's face was a little on the red side, especially when Duncan winked when he sat down.

Mrs. Bass took out a large box from behind her desk. The box was filled with ordinary things, such as a frying pan, a picture frame, the skeleton of a cat, etc. She started setting one object on each of the students' desks. When she was finished, she told the class to measure the object they were given. Unfortunately, the only open seat was across the room from Duncan, so Klaus didn't have anyone to chat with.

The item that Klaus received was a crowbar. A two-foot one at that. After everyone was finished measuring, Mrs. Bass instructed them to pass the objects around until everyone measured everything in the box. After the seventh object, Klaus found measuring very tedious. He glanced up at Duncan to find him sticking his tongue out at Mrs. Bass. Luckily, she was turned toward the chalkboard, so she couldn't see this act, or Klaus chuckling.

After a long while, the bell rang, signifying the end of the school day. The boys met up with a smiling Violet, a grinning Sunny, and a beaming Isadora in the shack.

Violet stood up and said, "Take off your shoes, both of you."

"I don't think so," Klaus said. "Those crabs will pinch me."

"Exactly."

Trusting that Violet was still sane, Klaus and Duncan took off their shoes. Violet walked over to them, and started putting staples on the shoes.

"Um.."

"I'm putting staples on your shoes to scare off the crabs with the sound they'll make," Violet interrupted.

"That's brilliant!" Duncan remarked.

"Thank you," Violet blushed. "Isadora, Sunny, and I have made it into some sort of game. Maybe if we scare them enough times, they won't come back."

For the next few minutes, Duncan and Klaus joined in on this "game". They all ended up laughing and falling onto the hay beds.

"That was really fun!" said Isadora. "Even though the crabs are still here."

"Kutoc," said Sunny, which meant something along the lines of "We'll get rid of them eventually."

"I'm glad it's a Friday," Violet said after translating. "I'm bushed."

Isadora gave Violet an apologetic look and said, "Well you can't look forward to getting the weekend off. Here, those are regular schooldays."

Violet laid back on the hay, and groaned. "You've got to be kidding me."

"If I have to measure one more thing," Klaus threatened, "my brain will explode."

"Hey, it's not too bad," said Duncan. "If you get bored, just look at me and I'll throw Mrs. Bass a funny face."

"You should have gotten a detention for that."

Isadora looked at her brother sternly. "Duncan, what have I told you about doing that?" she said. "One of these days you're going to get caught, and I doubt she'll be too kind."

"Relax, Issy. I'm not going to get caught."

"I'll laugh when you do." Isadora shook her head, as if to say, _my brother's an idiot._ "And I told you to stop calling me that."

"_I _think it's cute."

"First thing about a girl you find cute," Isadora muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"When's the last time you had a girlfriend?"

"That is _none _of your concern!" Duncan defensively shouted, while Klaus and Violet giggled.

"But it is, dear brother," Isadora said smugly.

As Duncan blushed furiously, Isadora walked over the door of the shack. "We better get going," she said. "I need to study those stories Mr. Remora assigned."

"Why do I have to leave?" Duncan asked, still angry.

"You have to quiz me."

Duncan grunted and the Quagmires said their goodbyes.

"We'll be back in a few hours so we can go to the concert together." Isadora said. Klaus sighed when he remembered the rule.

Isadora smiled. "It won't be too terrible."

Duncan smiled, too, as they left the shack. Violet sat up and fetched her notebook.

"I should study, too. It's ridiculous the things he quizzes us over," she said.

"Like, what?" Klaus asked.

Violet flipped to the page she had written the questions of the previous quiz. "'_What was the sweater's color of the hotdog vendor?' _As if someone would remember that!"

"You better get studying then," said Klaus, slightly offended. He remembered _everything _he read. He laid down on his hay bed, wishing for something so much as a blanket to keep him warm. On her hay bed, Sunny had already fallen asleep. Such an exhausting day she had. Outside the shack, Isadora and Duncan walked to their dorms.

"What are you so happy about?" Duncan commented when Isadora's smile didn't fade.

"Isn't it obvious? We have _friends, _Duncan."

Duncan found himself smiling at this. "Yeah. Who would've guessed?" he teased. Isadora's face flashed red before she spoke.

"You think Klaus would like a girl like me?" she whispered, even though they were far enough away from the shack to be heard.

Duncan hesitated. "Why? Do you like him?" he asked.

"A little bit," Isadora replied. For some reason, Duncan's stomach dropped. "He's definitely smarter than any of the other boys here." Duncan masked a grin.

"Besides me, right?"

"Sure," Isadora laughed.

A few hours later, when it was time for the concert, the five friends took their seats in the auditorium. The ordering went: Duncan, Klaus, Isadora, Violet, and Sunny. They tried their best not to cover their ears while Vice Principal Nero's violin screeched. One screech was quite loud in particular. So loud, that Isadora grabbed Klaus's arm out of instinct. Both of their faces grew red. Duncan eyed Isadora's hand when she didn't let go. He couldn't put a finger on the feeling he had, but it sure was intense. He waited for the next excruciatingly loud screech so he could have an excuse to grab Klaus's arm as well. But then he realized, _what was he doing? _Isadora was Klaus's friend just as much as he was. Why did he feel like keeping Klaus away from her, like she's taking something that's not hers? Then it hit him. The feeling that was bellowing up inside him was one of jealousy.

Duncan awkwardly put his hand back in his lap, grateful that Klaus hadn't noticed him. He laughed to himself. He was being selfish. He was so happy to have a new friend, he wanted to have him all to himself. Yes, that was it.

"Hey, Klaus," he said. "Want to leave this dying cat party?"

Klaus smiled but said, "Won't we get caught?"

"Not if we get back before it ends. Trust me, we have loads of time."

"What will we do?"

"Hm... Remember what the book on fungus said? Salt will stop it from dripping. I bet if we sneak into the cafeteria, we can get some."

"It's risky, but I fear I'll lose any hearing I have left if I stay here. Let's go." The two escaped through the back way of the auditorium, and headed for the cafeteria.

The cafeteria was completely empty except for two lunch ladies. Duncan and Klaus went quickly to kitchen, crouching as they walked so they could not be seen. They stood on either side of the door, waiting for some sort of signification that it was safe to go in. When no sign came, Duncan slowly walked over to the place that held the trays, knocked it over and ran to Klaus, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards a large trash can concealing them both.

"Damn kids!" one of the ladies exclaimed. When the lunch ladies were focused on putting the trays back where they belong, the boys ran into the kitchen and slipped three saltshakers in their pockets. They then returned to the back of the auditorium using the kitchen door no one was near, trying to stifle their giggles.

"I can't believe how easy that was!" Klaus said when they sat down on the grass. They could hear Nero's violin quite clearly.

"Me either," Duncan agreed.

"Nevertheless, we should go back inside."

"We were only gone for thirty minutes. I think Nero's not even half finished."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Just relax." Duncan closed his eyes and laid his head back on the wall.

Hm... Relax. Klaus wondered if he forgot how to do such a thing. He copied Duncan's posture, and realized how exhausted he was. What a long day it had been... Maybe it wouldn't hurt just to sleep a little bit. He woke a while later on his friend's shoulder. He looked up at him. Duncan appeared to be asleep as well. He could tell that they still had time to sneak back into the auditorium because he heard Nero still playing his violin. Klaus shook Duncan awake and they quietly returned to their seats, waiting for the concert to finally be done with.

The next day, the five friends sat in the Orphan's Shack, chatting about Nero's latest demand. Klaus and Violet were trying to make the salt reach the fungus on the ceiling.

"That's ridiculous!" Violet exclaimed at Sunny. "You shouldn't have to make your own staples. The school should provide them for you."

"It certainly is ridiculous," Klaus agreed, tossing a teaspoon of salt on the ceiling. "It's silly enough that Sunny has to be a secretary, but making her own staples? I've never heard of anything so unfair."

"I think staples are made in factories," Duncan said, pausing to flip through his green notebook to see if he had any notes on the matter. "I don't think people have made staples by hand since the fifteenth century."

"If you could snitch some of the skinny metal rods Violet used for the noisy shoes, Sunny," Isadora said, "we could all help make the staples after dinnertime. If five of us worked together, it would be much less trouble. And speaking of trouble, I'm working on a poem about Count Olaf, but I'm not sure I know words that are terrible enough to describe him."

"And I imagine it's difficult to find words that rhyme with 'Olaf'," Violet said.

"It is difficult," Isadora admitted. "All I can think of so far is 'pilaf, ' which is a kind of rice dish. And that's more a half-rhyme, anyway."

"Maybe someday you'll be able to publish your poem about Count Olaf," Klaus said, "and everyone will know how horrible he is." Isadora giggled at this.

"And I'll write a newspaper article all about him," Duncan quickly said.

"I think I could build a printing press myself," Violet said. "Maybe when I come of age, I can use some of the Baudelaire fortune to buy the materials I would need."

"Our parents owned the famous Quagmire sapphires," Duncan said, "which were unharmed in the fire. When we come of age, those precious jewels will belong to us. We could start our printing business together."

"That's a wonderful idea!" Violet cried. "We could call it Quagmire-Baudelaire Incorporated."

_"We could call it Quagmire-Baudelaire Incorporated!" _Violet and Klaus were sosurprised to hear the sneering voice of Vice Principal Nero that they dropped their saltshakers on the ground. Luckily, the tiny crabs in the Orphans Shack picked them up and scurried away with them before Nero could notice. "I'm sorry to interrupt you in the middle of your important business meeting," he said, although the teens could see that the vice principal wasn't sorry one bit. "The new gym teacher has arrived, and he was interested in meeting our orphan population before my concert began. Apparently orphans have excellent bone structure or something. Isn't that what you said, Coach Genghis?"

"Oh yes," said a tall, skinny man, who stepped forward to reveal himself to the five. The man was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, such as any gym teacher might wear. On his feet were some expensive-looking running shoes with very high tops, and around his neck was a shiny silver whistle. Wrapped around the top of his head was turban. Turbans are worn by some people for religious reasons, but Violet, Klaus, and Sunny took one look at this man and knew that he was wearing a turban for an entirely different reason.

"Oh yes," the man said again. "All orphans have perfect legs for running, and I couldn't wait to see what specimens were waiting for me here in the shack."

"Children," Nero said, "get up off of your hay and say hello to Coach Genghis."

"Hello, Coach Genghis," Duncan and Isadora said politely.

The Quagmire triplets each shook Coach Genghis's bony hand and then turned and gave the Baudelaires a confused look. They were clearly surprised to see the three siblings still sitting on the hay and staring up at Coach Genghis rather than obeying Nero's orders. The Baudelaires guessed why the man who was calling himself Coach Genghis was wearing a turban. A turban covers people's hair, which can alter their appearance quite a bit, and if the turban is arranged so that it hangs down rather low, as this one did, the folds of cloth can even cover the eyebrows—or in this case, _eyebrow_—of the person wearing it. But it cannot cover someone's shiny, shiny eyes. What the man who called himself Coach Genghis had said about all orphans having perfect legs for running was utter nonsense, of course, but as the Baudelaires looked up at their new gym teacher, they wished that it weren't nonsense. As the man who called himself Coach Genghis looked back at them with his shiny, shiny eyes, the Baudelaire orphans wished more than anything that their legs could carry them far, far away from the man who was really Count Olaf.

_A/N: Hello! I hope you liked the chapter! I worked really hard and depending on whether people read this, I'll work hard to write and put up the next chapters soon. :) Remember, reviews make baby animals smile._

_**Disclaimer: All people and places belong to Lemony Snicket.**_


	3. Under the Library

"How do you do, Coach Genghis?" Violet said, with much more kindness than expected. Klaus paused for a moment. _Is she hypnotized? _he thought. He ruled out this possibility when he saw her eyes were no wider than usual, and remembered her tone was not a dazed one. Although he didn't know what she was thinking, he trusted her completely and followed suit.

"How, do you do, Coach Genghis?" he said.

"Gefidio!" Sunny shrieked, following suit as well.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Coach Genghis said, and smirked. The Baudelaires could tell he thought he had fully fooled them and was very pleased with himself.

"What do you think, Coach Genghis?" Vice Principal Nero asked. "Do any of these orphans have the legs you're looking for?" Coach Genghis scratched his turban and looked down at the Baudelaires with a hungry expression.

"Oh yes," he said in a wheezy voice Klaus still heard in his nightmares. With his bony hands, he pointed first at Violet, then at Klaus, and lastly at Sunny. "These three children here are just what I'm looking for, all right. I have no use for these twins, however." Isadora and Duncan both flinched at the word "twins".

"Neither do I," Nero said cheerfully. He then looked at his watch. "Well, it's time for my concert. Follow me to the auditorium, all of you, unless you are in the mood to buy me a bag of candy."

Everyone followed Nero out of the shack, not wanting to buy such a terrible man something so delightful as candy.

"This evening," Nero said, "I will be playing a violin sonata I wrote myself. It only lasts about a half hour, but I will play it twelve times in a row."

"Oh, good," Coach Genghis said. "If I may say so, Vice Principal Nero, I am an enormous fan of your music. Your concerts were one of the main reasons I wanted to work here at Prufrock Prep."

"Well, it's good to hear that," Nero said. "It's difficult to find people who appreciate me as the genius I am."

"I know the feeling," Coach Genghis said. "I'm the finest gym teacher the world has ever seen, and yet there hasn't even been one parade in my honor."

"Shocking," Nero said, shaking his head.

The Baudelaires and the Quagmires, who were walking behind the adults, looked at one another in disgust at the conversation they were overhearing, but they didn't dare speak to one another. They sat at their usual seats in the back. Even though he was quite shaken from the previous events, Duncan tugged on Klaus's sleeve and gestured to the back exit. Klaus didn't question him this time and followed Duncan outside. When they were safely sitting on the grass, Duncan decided to break the tension.

"Our new gym teacher looks creepy," he said. "Did you see that sneaky look in his eye?"

"That sneaky look is because he's not really Coach Genghis. He's not really any coach. He's Count Olaf in disguise. I wonder if Violet knows. I'm sure she does, but in the shack it didn't seem like she did."

"Count Olaf?" Duncan said. "How awful! How did he follow you here?"

"He follows us everywhere," Klaus explained, glumly. "But it doesn't matter how he found us. The point is that he's here and that he undoubtedly has a scheme to snatch our fortune."

"If you told Vice Principal Nero that he was really Count Olaf, then Nero could throw the cakesniffer out of here, if you'll pardon my language."

"Olaf's too clever for that. If I tried to tell Nero that he wasn't really a gym teacher, he would manage to wiggle out of it. Plus, if Olaf thinks that he's fooled us, it might give us some more time to figure out exactly what he's up to. Maybe we can see if any of his assistants are around."

"Count Olaf has assistants?" Duncan asked. "That's not fair. He's bad enough without people helping him."

"His assistants are as bad as he is," Klaus said. "There are two powder-faced women who forced us to be in his play. There's a hook-handed man who helped Olaf murder our Uncle Monty, and the bald man who bossed us around at the lumbermill. Also, the assistant that looks like neither a man nor a woman."

Duncan took out his notebook and a pencil and said, "Okay, list them for me again?"

"Why?" Klaus asked.

"Why?" Duncan repeated. "Because Isadora and I are going to help you, that's why! You don't think we'd just sit here while you tried to escape from Olaf's clutches, would you?"

"But Count Olaf is very dangerous," Klaus said. "If you try and help us, you'll be risking your lives."

"Never mind about that," Duncan said. "What we need is a plan. Now, we need to prove to Nero that Coach Genghis is really Count Olaf. How can we do that?"

"Nero has that computer," Klaus said thoughtfully. "He showed us a little picture of Olaf on the monitor. He told us that the advanced computer system would keep Olaf away. So much for computers."

"If we go and see Nero first thing tomorrow morning," Duncan said, "we can talk to him alone, without Olaf butting in. We'll ask him to use the computer. Nero might not believe us, but the computer should be able to convince him to at least investigate Coach Genghis."

"But if we talk to Nero," Klaus said, "then Coach Genghis will know that we're suspicious."

"That's why we'll have to be extra careful. We want Nero to find out about Olaf, without Olaf finding out about us. Isadora can do some investigating herself. Perhaps we can spot one of these assistants you've described."

"That would be very useful," Klaus said, "if you're sure about wanting to help us."

"Say no more about it," Duncan said and patted Klaus's hand.

"You don't realize what you'll be getting int-"

At that moment Duncan raised a finger up to Klaus's lips and said, "Let's go to the library."

"Aren't the doors locked?" Klaus said slowly, surprised and slightly admired by Duncan's sudden urge to read. Before Nero's concerts every evening, the staff locks the doors to every building except the auditorium and shack; the shack did not have a lock.

"I think I know another entrance," said Duncan.

Since most of the staff seemed to be watching Nero's performance, the boys didn't have to be worried about being seen walking down the sidewalk. Duncan stopped at a metal circle in the ground that was what seemed to be the way to the sewers. He crouched down and started to lift the metal plate off the sidewalk. Once the path was uncovered, Duncan gestured for Klaus to go in.

"Duncan, as much as I love treading through other people's waste," he said.

"It's not the sewers," Duncan explained impatiently. "It's the way to the library." Klaus just gave him a look that questioned Duncan's sanity. "Just trust me? I'll go first." Duncan sat down, put his legs in the hole, then dropped into the dark abyss.

"Duncan?" Klaus called out, worried about the safety of his friend.

"It's okay. Come down!" Ducan's voice replied.

From what Klaus could tell, he sounded alright. So he sat down as Duncan had, and put his legs through the opening, but hesitated.

"That's right, now hop on down!" Duncan called from below. Klaus felt like holding his breath, but decided not to. He was lost in darkness for about two seconds before he felt the ground touch his feet. A small light filled the tiny tunnel-like passageway when Duncan turned on a flashlight.

"Hold this for a moment," he said, handing Klaus the flashlight. He moved a large wooden stool to where it was directly in front of the hole in which they came in from. Then, he climbed up on the stool so that his head barely poked out of the entrance. He placed the metal place to where it had been before, then jumped down from the stool.

"Now what?" Klaus asked, giving Duncan back the flashlight.

"We walk," simply replied Duncan. He picked up the stool, and started leading the way. There were two ways you could go, right and left. They traveled through the right side. They advanced along the underground corridor in silence, partly because of Klaus's amazement. He wondered who built this and why. Then he remembered he was walking with a researcher.

"How did you find this?" he asked. Duncan thought for a moment.

"During P.E.," he started, "we just had to run around for that period because there wasn't anyone to teach the class. While I was running, the plate was slightly removed from the opening, and I tripped on it. Later that day, after lunch, I went back to it and went inside. I walked for about five minutes until I came to the other end. I crawled out of the exit and found myself in one of the library closets. I used to skip Nero's concerts all the time to go and read. Eventually I took a stool and a flashlight from the dormitories, and set them down here, so that the journey would be easier."

"What's down the other way?"

"I don't know. I tried to go down it, but after 20 minutes of walking, I lost interest."

The boys stopped as they had reached the end of their stroll. Duncan set down the stool, climbed upon it, and removed the cloth structure blocking the exit. He grabbed a rope from outside and pulled himself up. After he was fully out, he laid on his stomach and put his arms towards Klaus.

"I would like the rope," Klaus said, eyeing Duncan's smaller than average arms.

"I told you to trust me," Duncan.

"What if you fall down with me?" Klaus got up on the stool.

"Are you underestimating my carrying abilities?" Duncan smirked.

"Yes," Klaus spat. "Now give me the rope."

"Not a chance," Duncan pouted. "For that remark, you're never getting it. Hurry up, you're wasting time." Klaus exhaled loudly as he grabbed Duncan's forearms. "Good, now jump and I'll pull you out." Klaus did as he was told, and Duncan pulled him up into the library closet. Once they were both standing up, Duncan gave Klaus a look that said, _I told you so._

Klaus rolled his eyes and reached for the doorknob, but Duncan stopped him. "Not yet," he said. He put his ear to the door, and heard nothing. "Can't be too careful." Duncan opened the door and walked over to one of the comfy recliners, and sat down.

"You're not going to pick out a book?" Klaus commented.

"No," Duncan answered as a matter of fact. "I wanted to talk to you." Klaus suddenly felt angry at Duncan, worrying that the risk of coming here was for nothing.

"We could have talked outside the auditorium."

"I thought you liked the library."

"I do, but-"

"Then sit." Duncan gestured to the recliner that sat beside his, interrupting Klaus yet again. Klaus followed orders and waited for Duncan to continue speaking.

"How are you feeling?" Duncan asked. Klaus became confused.

"How am I feeling?" he said slowly.

"Yes, how have you been?" Klaus had to think for a minute. No one had asked him how he felt in quite some time.

"A bit stressed, actually."

"Understandable."

"Especially since there's a murderer coming after me and my family." Duncan looked at Klaus sympathetically.

"Let's not think about that."

"How can I not? We could very well be kidnapped tomorrow." Duncan leaned forward and took Klaus's hands. Klaus had come to find out that Duncan was a touchy person.

"You don't think I never went through stress? I lost my parents, too, Klaus, along with my brother. I woke up every day after that, hoping it was a terrible dream. I still do sometimes. You know how I stay sane?" Klaus silently shook his head. "I relax, and breathe. I keep my chin up, stay positive, and hope for the best."

"But there's a time for being positive, and a time for being realistic."

"Who says what's positive, isn't realistic? Of course you couldn't say that Olaf will be captured tomorrow, but you could say you might find out what his plans are. I know that if we work hard, we can find a way out of this mess, and you and your sisters will be safe." Klaus smiled and squeezed Duncan's hands.

"Thank you," he said.

"No problem at all," Duncan smiled, too. He looked into Klaus's eyes for a moment, and he felt an emotion that was unrecognizable to him. He suddenly thought of something. "Stand up," he said.

"You know, you're slightly bossy," Klaus said, but stood up anyways. Duncan raised himself as well, and walked over to give his friend a hug. Klaus backed away out of reflex, and started blushing when he realized what Duncan tried to do.

"You don't like hugs?" said Duncan, faking an offended tone.

"I'm not one for physical contact."

"You let me hold your hand."

"That's different..." Klaus blushed so hard, his cheeks hurt.

"How?"

"It's just our hands touching. Hugging is... you know, our whole bodies touching..."

"Are you mysophobic? I take showers everyday, I promise you."

"No," Klaus said awkwardly.

"Then what is it? Here, you just stand there, and I'll do the hugging." Klaus backed a few steps.

"I'd really rather not."

"Fine, then," Duncan said, honestly offended this time. He went back to his recliner. Klaus was rather surprised by Duncan's reaction.

"Why are you so upset?" he asked. Duncan looked up into Klaus's eyes again, and felt frustrated.

"Just forget about it." Klaus sat back in his recliner.

"Tell me." Duncan sighed deeply.

"This conversation never escapes between you and me, understand?"

"Of course." Duncan hesitated to speak, but knew it was too late to turn back now.

"Remember what Isadora said in the shack? About my nonexistent love life?"

"I guess." Klaus wondered where this was going.

"There's a reason for that."

"Being?" Duncan started to tear up.

"Never mind. It's completely irrelevant. I shouldn't have brought it up. We should go back to the auditorium and tell our sisters what we've agreed on." Duncan stood up from his chair and started for the underground exit.

"Wait!" said Klaus. Duncan didn't turn around or do so much as flinch. Klaus got up and went after him. "If it wasn't important, why did you bring it up?"

"Exactly, there are much more important things to think about," Duncan said as he sat down, ready to drop into the darkness.

"Not right now." Duncan disappeared as he fell through the hole. "Duncan!"

"Hurry up and come down, so I can put the rug back in place." Klaus dropped down and waited for Duncan to cover the hole before he spoke again.

"Duncan, you look like you're about to cry. Tell me what you were going to say." Duncan was going to ignore Klaus and keep walking, but Klaus stopped him by grabbing his shoulder.

"Whatever it is, I won't think any different of you," Klaus said. "You could be growing another leg, and I wouldn't care." Duncan just stared at Klaus, wishing he'd let the subject go. "It's your turn to trust me."

"The reason why I've never had a girlfriend is because I don't want one."

"Is that all? I understand. You have better things to worry about than getting yourself a companion."

"No, you don't understand. The reason why I don't want a girlfriend is because I'm not attracted to them." Klaus's eyes widened. "At first I thought I wasn't attracted to anyone, but..." Duncan stopped, unable to say the next words.

"But what?"

"But then I met you." Klaus's mouth slightly opened, but no words came out. Duncan could no longer look at Klaus. He studied the tip of his shoes, wanting to run away, but knowing Klaus would just stop him anyways. "I'm so sorry. I'm just a nuisance. If you never want to talk to me again, I'll leave." Klaus then gave Duncan what he had earlier asked for. Klaus held onto Duncan for a few moments, then pulled away, still holding Duncan's hands.

"I don't mind at all, actually," Klaus smiled.

"But... why aren't you laughing or running away as fast as you can?"

"You don't think I'm prejudice, do you? I don't know if I'm attracted to boys, but I'll tell you when I figure out. I smile a lot more when you're around, that's for sure." Duncan wanted to slap himself to see if he was asleep, but decided against it. He wanted to hold Klaus's hands as long as he could. A thought occurred to Klaus."Wait, why would you think that I would laugh or run? Have people done that before?"

"Quigley dared me once to kiss one of the girls in our class. When I didn't want to, he started making jokes."

"That's terrible."

"Yet I would do anything to have him back," Duncan said with a small chuckle. Klaus squeezed Duncan's hand and gave him a tiny smile.

"I hope you know, I won't make any jokes."

Duncan smiled and said, "We should really be getting back to the auditorium. Olaf might notice that we're gone."

"Agreed." And so they walked to the auditorium, holding hands the entire way.

"I _knew _you recognized him!" Klaus said when it Violet told the group that she, indeed, saw through Count Olaf's disguise.

"Of course I did. I acted like I didn't to buy us some time."

"I figured that's what you were thinking. Very clever."

"Thank you. So, what's the plan?"

"The plan is we go to the administrative building and tell Nero about Olaf," Duncan said.

"Wouldn't it look odd if _all _of us went?" Isadora pointed out.

"Maybe just Klaus and I could go?" Duncan suggested. Klaus gave him a teasing, but kind, smile.

"I think I should go as well. Sunny can stay behind and sleep, while Isadora stays behind to look after her." Violet said. She looked to Isadora. "You don't mind, do you?"

"I'll do anything I can to help," Isadora said.

"It's much appreciated," said Klaus.

"Until tomorrow, let's keep a low profile, and relax." Violet said.

The three Baudelaires and two Quagmires leaned back in their seats and waited for the concert to be over, so that they can get an early rest and prepare themselves for the next day.

Early the next morning, Violet, Klaus, and Duncan set out for the administrative building. It was so early in the morning, the campus felt completely deserted with no teachers or students around. It was an eerie feeling, walking past the tombstone-shaped buildings in such silence. So eerie and silent, Violet and Klaus jumped when they suddenly heard Duncan laughing.

"What are you snickering at?" Violet asked.

"I just realized something," Duncan said. "We're going to the administrative building without an appointment. We'll have to eat our meals without silverware."

"There's nothing funny about that!" Violet snapped. "What if they serve oatmeal for breakfast? We'll have to scoop it up with our hands." Klaus started snickering along with Duncan.

"Or fried eggs!" he said. "What if they serve runny fried eggs?"

"Or pancakes, covered in syrup!" Duncan said.

"Soup!" Klaus barely muttered out through the laughter. Violet found herself grinning at the boys' silliness.

"Remember the picnic?" she said. "We were going to Rutabaga River for a picnic, Father was so excited about the meal he made that he forgot to pack silverware."

"Of course I remember," Klaus said. "We had to eat all that sweet-and-sour shrimp with our hands."

"I bet that was a sticky situation," Duncan said.

"It sure was," Violet agreed. "Afterward, we went to wash our hands in the river, and we found a perfect place to try the fishing rod I made."

"And I picked blackberries with Mother," Klaus said.

"Maybe we'll go back there," Violet said quietly. "Maybe someday we can visit the river again, and catch fish and pick blackberries."

"Maybe we can, but in the meantime we've got to talk to Nero. Come on, here's the administrative building."

The three sighed and walked into the building, surrendering the use of Prufrock Prep's silverware. They climbed the stairs to the ninth floor and knocked on Nero's door, surprised that they could not hear him practicing the violin.

"Come in if you must," Nero said, and the orphans walked in. Nero had his back to the door, looking at his reflection in the window as he tied a rubber band around one of his pigtails. When he was finished, he held both hands up in the air. "Ladies and gentlemen, Vice Principal Nero!" he announced, and the teens began applauding obediently. Nero quickly turned around.

"Violet, Klaus, and Duncan," he said sternly, "you're not allowed up here. You know that."

"I beg your pardon, sir," Violet said, "but all three of us have something very important we need to discuss with you."

_ "All three of us have something very important we need to discuss with you_," Nero replied in his usual nasty way. "It must be important for you to sacrifice your silverware privileges. Well, well, out with it. I have a lot of rehearsing to do for my next concert, so don't waste my time."

"This won't take long," Klaus promised. He paused, choosing his words carefully. "We are concerned," he continued, "that Count Olaf may have somehow managed to get to Prufrock Prep."

"Nonsense," Nero said. "Now go away and let me practice the violin."

"But it might not be nonsense," Violet said. "Olaf is a master of disguise. He could be right under our very noses and we wouldn't know it."

"The only thing under _my _nose," Nero said, "is my mouth, which is telling you to leave."

"Count Olaf could be Mr. Remora," Duncan said. "Or Mrs. Bass."

"Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass have taught at this school for more than forty-seven years," Nero said dismissively. "I would know if one of them were in disguise."

"What about the people who work at the cafeteria?" Klaus asked. "They're always wearing those metal masks."

"Those are for safety, not for disguises," Nero said. "You brats have some very silly ideas. Next you'll be saying that Count Olaf has disguised himself as your girlfriend, what's-her-name, the triplet."

Klaus blushed, while Duncan became defensive. "My sister is not his girlfriend," Duncan said, "and she's not Count Olaf, either."

But Nero was too busy making idiotic jokes to listen. "Who knows?" he asked, and then laughed again. "Hee hee hee. Maybe he's disguised himself as Carmelita Spats."

"Or me!" came a voice from the doorway. The Baudelaires turned around and saw Coach Genghis standing there with a red rose in his hand and a fierce look in his eye.

"Or you!" Nero said. "Hee hee hee. Imagine this Olaf fellow pretending to be the finest gym teacher in the country."

Klaus looked at Coach Genghis and thought of all the trouble he had caused, whether he was pretending to be Uncle Monty's assistant Stefano, or Captain Sham, or Shirley, or any of the other phony names he had used. Klaus wanted desperately to say "You _are _Count Olaf!" but he knew that if the Baudelaires pretended that Coach Genghis was fooling them, they had a better chance of revealing his plan, whatever it was. So he bit his tongue. He opened his mouth and laughed.

"That would be funny!" he lied. "Imagine if you were really Count Olaf! Wouldn't that be funny, Coach Genghis? That would mean that your turban would really be a disguise!"

"My turban?" Coach Genghis said. His fierce look melted away as he realized— incorrectly, of course—that Klaus was joking. "A disguise? Ho ho ho!"

"Hee hee hee!" Nero laughed. Violet and Duncan both saw at once what Klaus was doing, and they followed suit.

"Oh yes, Genghis," Violet cried, as if she were joking, "take your turban off and show us the one eyebrow you are hiding! Ha ha ha!"

"You three children are really quite funny!" Nero cried. "You're like three professional comedians!"

"Oh yes," Klaus said. "If you were really Olaf in disguise, then your running shoes would be covering your tattoo!"

"Hee hee hee!" Nero said. "You children are like three clowns!"

"Ho ho ho!" Count Olaf said.

"Ha ha ha!" Violet said, who was beginning to feel queasy from faking all this laughter. Looking up at Genghis, and smiling so hard that her teeth ached, she stood on tiptoe and tried to reach his turban. "I'm going to rip this off," she said, as if she were still joking,"and show off your one eyebrow!"

"Hee hee hee!" Nero said, shaking his pigtails in laughter. "You're like three trained monkeys!" Klaus crouched down to the ground and grabbed one of Genghis's feet.

"And I'm going to rip your shoes off," he said, as if _he _were still joking,"and show off your tattoo!"

"Hee hee hee!" Nero said. "You're like three—"

The teens didn't get to hear what they were three of, because Coach Genghis stuck out both of his arms, catching Klaus with one hand and Violet with the other.

"Ho ho ho!" he said, and then abruptly stopped laughing. "Of course," he said in a tone of voice that was suddenly serious,"I can't take off my running shoes, because I've been exercising and my feet smell, and I can't take off my turban for religious reasons."

"Hee hee—" Nero stopped giggling and became very serious himself. "Oh, Coach Genghis," he said, "we wouldn't ask you to violate your religious beliefs, and I certainly don't want your feet stinking up my office."

Violet struggled to reach the turban and Klaus struggled to remove one of the evil coach's shoes, but Genghis held them both tight. Duncan just stood, not knowing what to do, and quickly losing hope.

"Joke time is over!" Nero announced. "Thank you for brightening up my morning, children. Goodbye, and enjoy your breakfast without silverware! Now, Coach Genghis, what can I do for you?"

"Well, Nero," Genghis said, "I just wanted to give you this rose—a small gift of congratulations for the wonderful concert you gave us last night!"

"Oh, thank you," Nero said, taking the rose out of Genghis's hand and giving it a good smell. "I _was _wonderful, wasn't I?"

"You were _perfection_." Genghis said. "The first time you played your sonata, I was deeply moved. The second time, I had tears in my eyes. The third time, I was sobbing. The fourth time, I had an uncontrollable emotional attack. The fifth time—"

Violet, Klaus, and Duncan did not hear about the fifth time because Nero's door swung shut behind them. They looked at one another in dismay.

_A/N: Thank you for reading! I don't know how I feel about this chapter... I do hope nothing feels too soon, rushed, or out of the blue altogether. Also, I apologize for any missing words, particularly articles, in this fic. Sometimes they slip by me while I'm proofreading. Anyways, I'll try to update every Sunday. :) And remember, reviews make hedgehogs giggle!_

_P.S. Keep in mind that this is the first fic I've fully committed myself to, so I'm very new._


	4. Echoes of Whistles and Whats

Violet, Klaus, and Duncan sadly walked off to the cafeteria for breakfast to tell Isadora and Sunny about their failed attempt at exposing Coach Genghis. The masked cafeteria workers served them runny fried eggs, but no silverware. They went to their table with their heads, and spirits, down.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Isadora said when they slid glumly into their seats. "Here, Klaus and I will take turns with my silverware, and you two can share Sunny's, Violet and Duncan. I told the lunch ladies I dropped mine, and they surprisingly let me have another. Tell us how everything went in Nero's office."

Duncan glared up at her sister. How dare she suggest she and Klaus share silverware? Sharing... _saliva. _He was about to object, but then he remembered that his and Klaus's "relationship", if that's what it was, wasn't exactly known to their sisters yet. So, Duncan kept his mouth shut, but winced every time either Klaus or Isadora took a bite.

"It didn't go very well," Violet admitted. "Coach Genghis got there right after we did, and we didn't want him to see that we knew who he really was."

Isadora pulled her notebook out of her pocket and read out loud to her friends.

"_It would be a stroke of luck, if Coach Genghis were hit by a truck_," she read. "That's my latest poem. I know it's not that helpful, but I thought you might like to hear it anyway."

"I did like hearing it," Klaus said. Isadora beamed. "And it certainly _would _be a stroke of luck if that happened. But I wouldn't bet on it."

"Well, we'll think of another plan," Duncan said, handing Violet his fork with emphasis.

"I hope so," Violet said, her voice shaking from almost being stabbed in the eye with the fork. "Count Olaf doesn't usually wait very long to put his evil schemes into action."

"Kosbal!" Sunny shrieked.

"Does Sunny mean 'I have a plan'?" Isadora asked. "I'm trying to get the hang of her way of talking."

"I think she means something more like 'Here comes Carmelita Spats'," Klaus said, pointing across the cafeteria. Sure enough, Carmelita Spats was walking toward their table with a big, smug smile on her face.

"Hello, you cakesniffers," she said. "I have a message for you from Coach Genghis. I get to be his Special Messenger because I'm the cutest, prettiest, nicest girl in the whole school."

"Oh, stop bragging, Carmelita," Duncan said.

"You're just jealous," Carmelita replied, "because Coach Genghis likes me best instead of you."

"I couldn't care less about Coach Genghis," Duncan said. "Just deliver your message and leave us alone."

"The message is this," Carmelita said. "The three Baudelaire orphans are to report to the front lawn tonight, immediately after dinner."

"After dinner?" Violet said. "But after dinner we're supposed to go to Nero's violin recital."

"That's the message," Carmelita insisted. Without another word, she pranced off.

"Well this shouldn't be much of a problem," Isadora stated indifferently. "You can just do what Klaus and Duncan do every night, and leave through the back door." The boy's faces flashed bright red, and were shocked.

"What?" Violet asked. "You two don't honestly think that we haven't noticed you both sneaking off, do you?"

"What have you two been up to, anyways?" Isadora asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Just getting away from Nero's violin is all," Duncan said with a cough.

"Yes, his music really is dreadful," Klaus said. Duncan nodded.

"We couldn't take it anymore," he said.

"Thanks for inviting us, I guess," Violet said.

"Nero would have noticed if all of us went," Isadora said, giving Duncan the _we __need to talk, _look.

"So, problem solved. You three can leave through the back door, and come back before Nero notices you're gone," Duncan said nervously.

"We'll hide behind a nearby building and keep an eye out for you, and come if there seems to be any serious trouble," Isadora added.

Violet was about to suggest that maybe it would be safer if they fetched an adult if there was any serious trouble, but the employees probably would rather stay in the auditorium than risk having to buy Nero candy. But still, she'd feel extremely guilty if any of her friends got hurt because they were trying to protect her and her siblings.

"If you can, try to get one of the teachers to help. I don't want either of you to get hurt," she said.

"You and I both know they wouldn't help," Isadora replied.

"And we're not completely weak," Duncan said, giving Klaus a wink.

Klaus was about to giggle, but instead said, "What if he tries to kidnap us right there and then?" he asked.

"I doubt it. Olaf's too clever for that," Violet said.

"Let's not worry too much," Duncan said with optimism. His friends sighed. Sometimes Duncan's bright tone was a bit tiresome. The cafeteria was almost empty, so the teens, and Sunny, took up their trays and left as well.

"You guys go ahead to the shack. Duncan and I need to study privately," Isadora said. Klaus's eyes searched for Duncan's, so that he can give him some comfort, but Duncan was staring at his shoes with worry.

"We'll meet up later then," Klaus replied, still looking at Duncan. Violet and Sunny agreed by smiling with a nod, and the Baudelaires walked off.

Isadora grabbed Duncan's arm and half lead, half dragged, him to the girls' dormitories. It was a very clean building, not unlike the boys', but had a mango scent. In Isadora's dorm, it seemed even more clean, if that was possible. She sat down on a round, dark red chair. Duncan just stood awkwardly, waiting for the questions to come.

"Go and sit," Isadora instructed. "We'll be here for a while." Duncan slowly walked over to the round, dark blue chair, and sat down. "Firstly, I want to know where you and Klaus sneak off to."

"It's not as suspicious as you think," Duncan said.

"Answer the question."

"We just sit outside the auditorium. One time we went to the cafeteria kitchen to get the salt for the fungus on the shack's ceiling. Another time, we went to the library. Is that so terrible?" Isadora was disappointed. She wasn't going to give up easily, though. Something was going on. She could feel it.

"Then why did you glare at me earlier, when Klaus and I shared silverware?" Duncan's eyes widened.

"I'm just worried about his health. Sharing silverware means sharing germs, you know. Don't think I didn't hear you coughing last night," he said.

"Carmelita made me eat cinnamon candy, which you _know _I'm allergic to!" Isadora became furious. "Just admit it, already! I know, okay? Quigley and I both." Duncan glared at his sister.

"Admit what, exactly? And don't you dare bring Quigley into this," he said, almost choking on the lump in his throat when he mentioned his dead brother.

"You're a homosexual, and you're trying to steal Klaus away from me!"

"He was never yours to begin with," Duncan argued, knowing that denying the first part of Isadora's claim was pointless.

"I told you! That first day, before Nero's stupid concert. I told you I liked him, but you just go ahead and try to snatch him anyway." Duncan paused and he realized his sister was right. He flashed back to the first concert he went to with the Baudelaires. The arm grabbing, the confusion, and most of all the jealousy. The whole point of trying to convince Klaus to sneak out was to get him away from Isadora, and it was completely unfair.

"Isadora... I'm so sorry," Duncan said, and went back to looking at his shoes. "I never thought I had a chance with him, if that makes you feel any better."

"I'm mostly upset that you didn't tell me," Isadora sighed.

"Why would you want to know?" Isadora blushed.

"Well I haven't been asking girls what they think of you, if that's what you're wondering," she trailed off, shyly.

"You've been doing _what!" _Duncan raged.

"Some girls are quite fond of you," Isadora defended. Duncan exhaled loudly. "But let's make light of the situation. With everything that's going on, it's best that we don't fight. You can have him." Isadora smiled. Duncan looked up, surprised.

"But-"

"No buts. You deserve him. Sure, he's one of a kind, but I can find someone else." She got up from her chair and walked towards the door, but stopped at Duncan's ear.

"Besides, I think he fancies you, too," she whispered. She smiled as she walked out the door, leaving a red-faced Duncan behind.

"Is there something going on between you and Duncan?"

Inside the shack, Violet and Sunny stared daggers at their brother. Klaus hesitated at Violet's question. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"Sneaking off together, defensive remarks, flirtatious looks..." Violet listed off.

Klaus blushed. "We told you, we just wanted to get away from that wretched violin."

"What about being incredibly defensive when Carmelita says something rude about one of you two, or when we asked about you two at breakfast, or how you're acting now?" Sunny just watched them, her head moving back and forth, as if she was watching a tennis match.

"Sticking up for each other is what friends do, Violet. And the conversation makes us uncomfortable. I don't how it couldn't. What if I accused you and Isadora of things?" It was Violet's turn to blush.

"Okay, calm down. I'm just asking. I don't normally wink suggestively at my friends."

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize our lives are normal."

"Luef," Sunny said, which meant something like, "Burn."

Klaus glanced at her before he said, "I'm going outside for a bit before the concert. If you have any more questions, I'd prefer if you kept them to yourself." And with that last word, Klaus stormed out. He wanted to find Duncan, but they never showed him where either of their dorms are. He was still upset with Violet, so he went towards the dormitories anyway. A figure walked in his direction, and he saw it was Isadora.

"Where's Duncan?" he asked her.

"In my dorm, third door on the left from the game room," she answered with a smile. Klaus thanked her, and went to the girls' dormitories.

Duncan was sitting on a small and round dark blue chair. His eyes were bulging a little, and never blinking.

"Duncan...?" Klaus said slowly. Duncan shook his head, and looked up at Klaus.

"Oh. Hello," he said.

"How was the studying?" Klaus went over to sit on the red chair.

"Isadora asked about you and me," Duncan said, not meeting Klaus's eyes.

"Violet did the same. I can't believe them. Don't they know to respect one's privacy?"

"You can't blame them for being curious. We haven't exactly given them a reason not to."

"There isn't anything going on, though." Klaus paused. "Is there?" If Duncan wasn't avoiding looking at Klaus he certainly was now.

"I don't know," he said. "It depends on how you feel, I suppose."

"There's only one way to know for sure." Klaus got up slowly from the chair, walked over to Duncan, and crouched down beside him. Duncan still tried to avoid Klaus's striking eyes, but Klaus moved his chin towards his, and gradually moved in for the kill.

"Wait!" Duncan said.

"What?" Klaus asked, a little disappointed. He gathered a lot of courage for this, and he wasn't just going to stop.

"Should we really be doing this? I mean, with Olaf plotting evil schemes, shouldn't we put our energy in something that'll help us bring him down? I don't want things to be more complicated than they already are."

"Duncan, nothing could make things more complicated than they already are. What harm could this do?"

Duncan's eyelids became watery. "It'll be harder to chin up if... if Olaf succeeds."

Klaus took both of Duncan's hands, and said, "Then I guess we'll just have to make sure he doesn't." Before Duncan could say anything back, Klaus kissed him with as much force and passion as he could. After what seemed to be an eternity, they broke apart. Klaus's smile let Duncan know that Klaus had felt the same spark as he did.

After an unfortunately short day, the last rays of sunlight barely shone over the school grounds as the five headed towards the auditorium.

"Just relax," Duncan reminded the Baudelaires. "The thing Olaf wants is fear."

"And our fortune," Klaus said glumly.

"That, too, but we won't let him have that either." Duncan smiled at his boyfriend, trying to cheer him up, but stopped when he saw Isadora smirking at him. He wasn't exactly ready for his sister to find out about this recent get-together. They made their way to the back of the auditorium, taking their usual seats, readying themselves to leave. Duncan gave Klaus's hand a small squeeze before the five left. Klaus put on a grateful smile, and left with his sisters. They walked in silence to the front lawn, braving themselves for whatever was to come. The eerie shadow of Count Olaf would've made Voldemort shudder.

"You're late," Genghis said in his scratchy voice. He had both hands behind his back as if he were hiding something. "Your instructions were to be here right after dinner, and you're late."

"We're very sorry," Violet said, craning her neck to try and catch a glimpse of what was behind his back. "It took us a little longer to eat our dinner without silverware."

"If you were smart," Genghis said, "you would have borrowed the silverware of one of your friends."

"We never thought of that," Klaus said. He remembered how at dinner, Duncan was quick to suggest that they share silverware, instead of him and Isadora. He would have smiled at the memory if the man that starred in his nightmares wasn't standing in front of him. "You certainly are an intelligent man," he continued.

"Not only am I intelligent," Genghis agreed, "but I'm also very smart. Now, let's get right to work. Even stupid children like yourselves should remember what I said about orphans having excellent bone structure for running. That's why you are about to do Special Orphan Running Exercises, or S.O.R.E. for short."

"Ooladu!" Sunny shrieked.

"My sister means that sounds exciting," Violet said, although "Ooladu!" actually meant "I wish you'd tell us what you're _really _up to, Genghis."

"I'm glad you're so enthusiastic," Genghis said. "In certain cases, enthusiasm can make up for a lack of brainpower." He took his hands from behind his back, and the children saw that he was holding a large metal can and a long, prickly brush. The can was open, and an spooky white glow was shining out of the top. "Now, before we begin S.O.R.E., we'll need a track. This is luminous paint, which means it glows in the dark."

"How interesting," Klaus said, although he'd known what the word "luminous" means since elementary school.

"Well, if you find it so interesting," Genghis said, his eyes looking as luminous as the paint,"you can be in charge of the brush. _Here." _He thrusted the long, prickly brush into Klaus's hands. "And you little girls can hold the paint can. I want you to paint a big circle on the grass so you can see where you are running when you start your laps. Go on, what are you waiting for?"

Wondering what Olaf/Genghis was up to, they obeyed orders, with Klaus painting, Violet carrying the can, and Sunny just crawling along for moral support. "Bigger!" Genghis called out in the dark. "Wider!" The Baudelaires followed his instructions and made the circle bigger and wider, walking farther away from Genghis and leaving a glowing trail of paint.

"I apologize for how I acted before," Klaus said to Violet, when they were far enough away from Genghis to be heard. "I shouldn't have snapped."

"I forgive you. I also apologize. It isn't any of my business, and I shouldn't have persisted the questions like I did."

"Bigger! Wider! All right, all right, that's big and wide enough! Finish the circle where I am standing! Hurry up!" Genghis called out to them.

"What do you think we're _really _doing?" Violet whispered to her brother.

"I don't know," Klaus said. "I've only read three or four books on paint. I know that paint can sometimes be poisonous or cause birth defects. But Genghis isn't making us eat the circle, and as far as I know, you're not pregnant, so I can't imagine."

Sunny wanted to add "Gargaba!" which meant "Maybe the luminous paint is serving as some sort of glowing signal," but the Baudelaires had come full circle and were too close to Genghis to do any more talking.

"I suppose that will do, orphans," Genghis said, snatching the brush and the can of paint out of their hands. "Now, take your marks, and when I blow my whistle, begin running around the circle you've made until I tell you to stop."

"What?" Violet said. She couldn't believe that Genghis was simply going to make them run laps. He was such a sneaky and revolting person that the eldest Baudelaire simply could not accept that his scheme was only as evil as the average gym class.

_ "What?_" Genghis repeated in a mocking Nero-like way. "I know you heard me, little orphan girl. You're standing right next to me. Now take your marks, all of you, and begin running as soon as I blow my whistle."

"But Sunny is a baby," Klaus protested. "She can't really run."

"Then she may crawl as fast as she can," Genghis replied. "Now—on your marks, get set, _go!" _Genghis blew his whistle and the Baudelaire orphans began to run, pacing themselves so they could run together even though they had different-sized legs. The Baudelaires also looked at one another from time to time, but they didn't speak, not even when they were far enough away from Genghis that he could not overhear. One reason they did not speak was to conserve energy, because although the Baudelaires were in reasonably good shape, they had not run so many laps in their lives, and before too long they were breathing too hard to really discuss anything. But the other reason they did not speak was that Violet had already spoken for them when she had asked "What?" The Baudelaire orphans kept running around the glowing circle while Genghis kept blowing his whistle until the first rays of sunrise began to reflect on the jewel in Genghis's turban, and all they could think was _What? What? What?_

_"What?" _Isadora asked.

"I said, 'Finally, as the sun rose, Coach Genghis had us stop running laps and let us go to bed,'" Klaus said.

"My sister didn't mean that she didn't hear you," Duncan explained. "She meant that she heard you, but she didn't believe that's really what you meant. And to tell you the truth, I can barely believe it myself, even though I saw it with my own eyes."

"I can't believe it either," Violet said, wincing as she took a bite of the salad that was served for lunch. It was the next afternoon, and all three Baudelaire orphans were doing a great deal of wincing. No matter what look Isadora would shoot him, Duncan very gently took Klaus's hand, afraid that the soreness had spread even there.

"I thought maybe the luminous circle would serve as a landing strip," Isadora said, "for a helicopter, piloted by one of his assistants, to swoop down and take you away. The only thing I couldn't figure out was why you had to run all those laps before the helicopter showed up."

"But a helicopter didn't show up," Klaus said, taking a sip of water and wincing. "Nothing showed up."

"Maybe the pilot got lost," Isadora said. "Or maybe Coach Genghis became as tired as you did, and forgot to ask for your fortune."

Klaus shook his sore head. "He would never get too tired to get our fortune," he said. "He's up to something, that much is for sure, but I just can't figure out what it is."

"Of course you can't figure it out," Duncan said. "You're exhausted. I'm glad Isadora and I thought of spying in shifts. We're going to use all our spare time from now on to investigate. We'll go through all of our notes, and do some more research in the library. There must be something that can help us figure it out."

"I'll do research, too," Klaus said, yawning, but smiling at Duncan. "I'm quite good at it."

"I know you are," Duncan said, smiling and squeezing Klaus's hand. "But not today, honey. We'll work on uncovering Genghis's plan, and you three can catch up on your sleep. You're too tired to do much good in a library or anywhere else." Klaus nodded.

"Perhaps you're right," Klaus said. "We'll stumble through the afternoon somehow and get a good night's sleep tonight. If we're lucky, Vice Principal Nero will play something enthusiastically at tonight's concert and we can sneak out to sleep through that as well."

"Ugh," Isadora groaned, "here comes Carmelita."

"Hello, you cakesniffers," said the irritating girl. She looked at Sunny, fast asleep on a plate of lettuce. "Although judging from the baby brat you're more like saladsniffers. I have another message for you from Coach Genghis. I get to be his Special Messenger because I'm the cutest, prettiest, nicest little girl in the whole school."

"If you were really the nicest person in the whole school," Duncan said, "you wouldn't make fun of a sleeping infant. But never mind, what is the message?"

"It's actually the same one as last time," Carmelita said, "but I'll repeat it in case you're too stupid to remember. The three Baudelaire orphans are to report to the front lawn tonight, immediately after dinner."

"What?" Klaus asked.

"Are you _deaf _as well as cakesniffy?" Carmelita asked. "I said—"

"Yes, yes, Klaus heard you," Duncan said quickly. "He didn't mean that kind of 'What?' We have received the message, Carmelita. Now please go away."

"That's two tips you owe me," Carmelita said, but she flounced off.

"I can't believe it," Violet said. "Not more laps! My legs are almost too sore to walk, let alone run."

"Carmelita didn't say anything about more laps," Isadora pointed out. "Maybe Coach Genghis is putting his real plan into action tonight. In any case, we'll sneak out of the recital again and keep an eye on you."

"In shifts," Duncan added, nodding in agreement. "And I bet we'll have a clear picture of his plan by then. We have the rest of the day to do research. " Isadora flipped open her black notebook to the right page. She read,

"_Don't worry Baudelaires, don't feel disgrace__—_

_The Quagmire triplets are on the case._"

"Thank you," Klaus said, giving Isadora and Duncan a tired smile of appreciation. "My sisters and I are thankful for all your help. And we're going to put our minds to the problem, even though we're too exhausted to do research. If we're lucky, all of us working together can defeat Coach Genghis."

Klaus sighed as he put his head on the table, knowing that him and his sisters were anything but lucky.

_A/N: I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and happy New Year! I also hope you like the new chapter. :3 Goodbye for now, and remember, reviews make unicorns sparkle!_


	5. Losing Time

As the days went on, Count Olaf's plan was no clearer than the first day of laps, and the Baudelaires only became sorer and sorer. All they could focus on was the luminous circle that they had to follow, unable to find the energy to speak as they did so. And as the Quagmires watched them, they felt just as terrible, knowing that watching was all they could do to help. Duncan watched his boyfriend struggle to keep running, waiting for the moment Klaus would collapse and he could give Olaf a piece of his mind. But like a brave soldier, Klaus kept going, and Duncan admired that.

During classes, the Baudelaires' grades fell by the wayside. Klaus could barely keep his eyes open, let alone measure.

"What are you doing slacking, Mr. Baudelaire? Pick up that ruler!" Mrs. Bass would say, but Klaus was far too sore and tired to do such a thing. Seeing that Klaus would get in further trouble, Duncan kept asking questions so Mrs. Bass would not see Klaus's mind drifting off. The bell rang, and it was time for lunch.

"Turn in your measurements to me before you leave," Mrs. Bass said, as she did everyday. Klaus sighed. He hadn't measured a single thing. He was halfway out the door when Mrs. Bass said, "Mr. Baudelaire, I would like a word with you." Klaus walked back to his teacher, suppressing an "ouch" with every step. Duncan waited outside the door. "I've noticed that you have not measured anything today."

"I apologize, Mrs. Bass. You see, I've been seeing Coach Genghis for the past few days, and he has me work pretty hard," Klaus explained.

"As he should. You children are weak masses of laziness. But I will tell you now, Mr. Baudelaire, I will _not _have laziness in my classroom. You will measure whatever is put on your desk, no matter how large or small. As for what happens outside of school, I do not care. You will come to my class prepared to learn, not nap. You have a warning today, but next class if you even blink for more than one second, I will send you to the vice principal's office. Do you hear me?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good. Now, leave. I have good students' papers to grade." Klaus left the classroom without another word.

"I could write down my measurements twice," Duncan suggested as he walked with Klaus, "and put down your name on one of them if you want me to."

"No, I need to do my own work," Klaus sighed.

"It's no trouble, honestly."

"No, Duncan." And that was it of the conversation.

They walked to their table to find Violet struggling to hold her head up, and Sunny asleep on her tray.

"This is getting ridiculous," Isadora said, nudging little Sunny awake. "Look at you, Sunny. It was inappropriate to hire you as an administrative assistant in the first place, and it's simply absurd to have you crawl laps by night and make your own staples by day."

"Don't call my sister absurd or ridiculous!" Klaus cried.

"I'm not calling her ridiculous!" Isadora said. "I'm calling the _situation _ridiculous!"

"Ridiculous means you want to laugh at it," said Klaus, who was never too tired to define words,"and I don't want you laughing at us."

"I'm not laughing at you," Isadora said, hurt by Klaus's sudden outburst. "I'm trying to help."

"Well, laughing at us doesn't help at all, you cakesniffer."

"Calling me names doesn't help either, Klaus."

"Mumdum!" Sunny shrieked.

"Oh, stop it, both of you," Duncan said. "Isadora, can't you see that Klaus is just tired? And Klaus, can't you see that Isadora is just frustrated?"

Klaus took his glasses off, and laid his head down on his boyfriend's shoulder. "I'm too tired to see anything," he said. "I'm sorry, Isadora. Being tired makes me crabby. In a few days I'll turn as nasty as Carmelita Spats."

Isadora smiled to indicate she forgave him. Duncan took Klaus's hand.

"You'll never be as nasty as Carmelita Spats," he said, kissing Klaus's head.

"Carmelita Spats?" Violet said, lifting her head from her tray. She had dozed through Isadora and Klaus's argument but woken up at the sound of the Special Messenger's name. "She's not coming here again to tell us to do laps, is she?"

"I'm afraid she is," Duncan said ruefully, a word which here means "while pointing at a rude, violent, and filthy little girl."

"Hello, cakesniffers," Carmelita Spats said. "Today I have two messages for you, so I should really get two tips instead of one."

"Oh, Carmelita," Klaus said. "You haven't gotten a tip for the last nine days, and I see no reason to break that tradition." Violet almost chuckled. Even when beaten down by exhaustion, her brother still managed to sass.

"That's because you're a stupid orphan," Carmelita Spats said promptly. "In any case, message number one is the usual: meet Coach Genghis on the front lawn right after dinner."

Violet gave a tired groan. "And what's the second message?" she asked.

"The second message is that you must report to Vice Principal Nero's office right away."

"Vice Principal Nero's office?" Klaus asked. "Why?"

"I'm sorry," Carmelita Spats sneered with a nasty smile. "I don't answer questions from nontipping orphan cakesniffers."

A nearby table heard this and started chanting, "Cakesniffing orphans in the orphan's shack!" repeatedly while Carmelita skipped off.

"We'd better go to Nero's," Violet said, after rolling her eyes at the students. "We'll see you later, Duncan and Isadora."

"Nonsense," Duncan said. "We'll walk you. Carmelita Spats has made me lose my appetite, so we'll skip lunch and take you to the administrative building. We won't go inside—otherwise there'll be no silverware between the five of us—but we'll wait outside and you can tell us what's going on."

"I wonder what Nero wants," Klaus said, yawning.

"Maybe he's discovered that Genghis is really Olaf, all by himself," Isadora said, and the Baudelaires smiled back. They knew better than to put their hopes too high, but a little hope wouldn't hurt. They walked at a normal pace to the building, and paused to say goodbye and good luck when they arrived. Duncan had a rush of courage and kissed Klaus on the cheek as he opened the door, not caring about the consequences that were surely to come. Klaus gave Duncan a quick, flushed smile, and Duncan knew his action was worth it.

"Thank you for taking the time out of your busy orphan schedule to see me," Vice Principal Nero said, yanking open his door before they could knock. "Hurry up and come inside. Every minute I spend talking to you is a minute I could spend practicing the violin, and when you're a musical genius like me, every minute counts." The three children walked into the tiny office and began clapping their tired hands together as Nero raised both his arms in the air. "There are two things I wanted to talk to you about," he said when the applause was over. "Do you know what they are?"

"No, sir," Violet replied. _"_

_ No, sir," _Nero mimicked, although he looked disappointed that the children hadn't given him a longer answer to make fun of. "Well, the first one is that the three of you have missed nine of my violin concerts, and each of you owes me a bag of candy for each one. Nine bags of candy times three equals twenty-nine. In addition, Carmelita Spats has told me that she has delivered ten messages to you, if you include the two she delivered today, and that you've never given her a tip. That's a disgrace. Now, I think a nice tip is a pair of earrings with precious stones, so you owe her ten pairs of earrings. What do you have to say about that?"

The Baudelaire orphans looked at one another with their sleepy, sleepy eyes. They had nothing to say about that. They had plenty to _think _about that—that they'd only missed Nero's concerts because Coach Genghis had forced them to, that nine bags of candy times three equals twenty-seven, not twenty-nine, and that tips are always optional and usually consist of money instead of earrings—but Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were too tired to say anything about it at all. This was another disappointment to Vice Principal Nero, who stood there scratching his pigtails and waiting for one of the children to say something that he could repeat in his nasty, mocking voice. But after a moment of silence, the vice principal went on to the second thing. "The second thing," he said, going on,"is that you three have become the worst students Prufrock Preparatory School has ever seen. Violet, Mr. Remora tells me that you have flunked a test. Klaus, Mrs. Bass reports that you can scarcely tell one end of a metric ruler from another. And Sunny, I've noticed that you haven't made a single staple! Mr. Poe told me you were intelligent and hardworking children, but you're just a bunch of cakesniffers!" At this, the Baudelaires could keep quiet no longer.

"We're flunking school because we're exhausted!" Violet cried.

"And we're exhausted because we're running laps every night!" Klaus cried.

"Galuka!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "So yell at Coach Genghis, not at us!" Vice Principal Nero gave the children a big smile, delighted that he was able to answer them in his favorite way.

_ "We're flunking school because we're exhausted!" _he squealed. _And we're exhausted because we're running laps every night! Galuka! _I've had enough of your nonsense! Prufrock Preparatory School has promised you an excellent education, and an excellent education you will get—or, in Sunny's case, an excellent job as an administrative assistant! Now, I've instructed Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass to give comprehensive exams tomorrow—large tests on absolutely everything you've learned so far. Violet, you'd better remember every detail of Mr. Remora's stories, and Klaus, you'd better remember the length, width, and depths of Mrs. Bass's objects, or I will expel you from school. Also, I've found a bunch of papers that need to be stapled tomorrow. Sunny, you will staple all of them, with homemade staples, or I will expel you from your job. First thing tomorrow morning we will have the test and the stapling, and if you don't get As and make enough staples, you'll leave Prufrock Preparatory School. Luckily for you, Coach Genghis has offered to home-school you. That means he'd be your coach, your teacher, and your guardian, all in one. It's a very generous offer, and if I were you I'd give _him _a tip, too, although I don't think earrings are appropriate in this case."

"We're not going to give Count Olaf a tip!" Violet blurted out. Klaus looked at his older sister in horror.

"Violet means Coach Genghis," Klaus said quickly to Nero.

"I _do not!" _Violet cried. "Klaus, our situation is too desperate to pretend not to recognize him any longer!"

"Hifijoo!" Sunny agreed.

"I guess you're right," Klaus said. "What have we got to lose?"

_ "What have we got to lose?" _Nero mocked. "What are you talking about?"

"We're talking about Coach Genghis," Violet said. "He's not really named Genghis. He's not even a real coach. He's Count Olaf in disguise."

"Nonsense!" Nero said.

Klaus wanted to say _"Nonsense!" _right back at Nero, in Nero's own repulsive way, but he bit his exhausted tongue. "It's true," he said. "He's put a turban over his eyebrow and expensive running shoes over his tattoo, but he's still Count Olaf."

"He has a turban for religious reasons," Nero said, "and running shoes because he's a coach. Look here. " He strode over to the computer and pressed a button. The screen began to glow in its usual seasick way, and once again showed a picture of Count Olaf. "You see? Coach Genghis looks nothing like Count Olaf, and my advanced computer system proves it."

"Ushilo!" Sunny cried, which meant "That doesn't prove anything!"

_ "Ushilo!" _Nero mocked. "Who am I going to believe, an advanced computer system or two children flunking school and a little baby too dumb to make her own staples? Now, stop wasting my time! I will personally oversee tomorrow's comprehensive exams, which will be given in the Orphans Shack! And you'd better do excellent work, or it's a free ride from Coach Genghis! Sayonara, Baudelaires!"

All three Baudelaires had never felt more angered. They looked towards the ground and started to exit the office. As Klaus reached for the doorknob, Nero stopped him.

"And Klaus," Nero said, "Public displays of affection are not allowed at this academy. Be sure to pass that along to Mr. Quagmire."

"This is awful!" Duncan cried as the five children trudged across the lawn so they could talk things over in peace. "There's no way you can get an A on those exams, particularly if you have to run laps tonight!"

"This is dreadful!" Isadora cried. "There's no way Sunny can make all those staples, either!"

"Coach Genghis won't homeschool us," Violet said. "He'll do something much, much worse. Don't you see? That's why he's made us run all those laps! He _knew _we'd be exhausted. He _knew _we'd flunk our classes, or fail to perform our secretarial duties. He _knew _we'd be expelled from Prufrock Prep, and then he could get his hands on us."

Klaus groaned. "We've been waiting for his plan to be made clear, and now it is. But it might be too late."

"It's not too late," Duncan insisted. "The comprehensive exams aren't until tomorrow morning. We must be able to figure out a plan by then." Duncan tried to hold Klaus's hand, but Klaus pulled away.

"Plan!" Sunny agreed.

"It'll have to be a complicated plan," Duncan said, a bit bummed from being rejected. "We have to get Violet ready for Mr. Remora's test, and Klaus ready for Mrs. Bass's test."

"And we have to make staples," Isadora said, always remembering Sunny, "And the Baudelaires still have to run laps."

"And we have to stay awake," Klaus said.

Violet tied her hair up in a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes. Klaus polished his glasses and set them on his nose. Sunny scraped her teeth together, to make sure they were sharp enough for any task ahead. And the two triplets took their notebooks out of their sweater pockets. Coach Genghis's evil plan had become clear through the prism of the Baudelaire and Quagmire experiences, and now they had to use their experience to make a plan of their own.

The five friends sat in the Orphan's Shack, which was improved from its previous state. Since wearing the noisy shoes full-time, the crabs were rarely seen. The salt dried up the fungus. Because the arrival of Coach Genghis had focused their energies on defeating his treachery, the five orphans hadn't done anything about the green walls with the pink hearts on them. It still had a long way to go to be attractive and comfortable living quarters, but for thinking of a plan, it would do in a pinch.

If Violet, Klaus, and Sunny spent one more exhausting night running laps, they would flunk their comprehensive exams and secretarial assignment, and then Coach Genghis would whisk them away from Prufrock Prep, and as they thought of this they could almost feel Genghis's bony fingers pinching the life right out of them. The Quagmire triplets were so worried about their friends that they felt pinched as well, even though they were not directly in danger—or so they thought, anyway.

"I can't believe we didn't figure out Coach Genghis's plan earlier," Isadora said mournfully, paging through her notebook. "I did all this research, and we still didn't figure it out. Although, it would have been nice if Duncan had helped." Duncan looked up from his own notebook.

"I helped!" Duncan argued. Isadora rolled her eyes.

"I suppose you helped when you weren't moping," she said. This made Klaus look up at Duncan.

"Why were you moping?" he asked. Klaus could hardly bear the idea of Duncan being genuinely troubled to the point he couldn't help his sister.

Duncan hesitated, and asked, "Can we speak outside the Shack?" Klaus nodded, and followed Duncan outside. Violet and Isadora rolled their eyes at each other. To even think about chatting at a time like this was absurd, but they let their brothers go anyway.

"You shouldn't be upset," Klaus said when they were out of the girls' earshots, "My sisters and I have had many encounters with Olaf, and it's always difficult to figure out his scheme." Duncan didn't seem to hear him.

"I'm sorry, Klaus," Duncan said. "I knew I shouldn't have confessed my feelings when things are so awful. I fully understand if you wish to not see me."

"I don't understand what you're saying," Klaus said, thoroughly confused. Duncan's face started to match Klaus's. He didn't want to say it, but he had to.

"Y-you don't touch me anymore," Duncan managed to say. "Every time I try to hold your hand, you quickly pull away as if I'll electrocute you. At first I thought it was because of Violet, but even when she's not there, you're stiff around me. It's a silly thing to be troubled by, considering the circumstan- Why are you laughing?"

Klaus had broken out in a fit of giggles. Duncan was starting to feel slightly hurt. Klaus hadn't exactly said he wouldn't laugh at him opening up, but it's close enough to joking. When Klaus had seen Duncan's face, he quickly pulled him into a hug.

"You had me worried for a moment," Klaus said, his tone still light from chuckling.

"Klaus Baudelaire, you are filled with surprises," Duncan smiled. "Would you mind explaining to me why you are suddenly embracing me again?"

"Yes, _Mr. Baudelaire,_" a shrill, unpleasant voice said, "Please explain to us why you are breaking Vice Principal Nero's most important rule."

"We were trying to find out the history of Count Olaf," Isadora said, back inside the shack. "The Prufrock Preparatory library has a pretty good collection of old newspapers, and we thought if we could find out some of his other schemes, we might figure out this one."

"That's a good idea," Violet said thoughtfully. "I've never tried that."

"We figured that Olaf must have been an evil man even before he met you," Isadora continued, "so we looked up things in old newspapers. But it was difficult to find too many articles, because as you know he always uses a different name. But we found a person matching his description in the _Bangkok Gazette, _who was arrested for strangling a bishop but escaped from prison in just ten minutes."

"That sounds like him, all right," Violet said.

"And then in the _Verona Daily News," _Isadora continued again, "there was a man who had thrown a rich widow off of a cliff. He had a tattoo of an eye on his ankle, but he had eluded authorities. And then we found a newspaper from your hometown that said—"

"I don't mean to interrupt," Violet said, "but we'd better stop thinking about the past and start thinking about the present. Lunchtime is more than half over, and we desperately need a plan. I think I can invent something to make all those staples Sunny needs. But I can't figure out how I can invent the device and study for the test at the same time. Since S.O.R.E. began, I haven't taken good notes in Mr. Remora's class, so I won't be able to remember his stories."

"Well, you don't have to worry about that," Isadora said, holding up her dark green notebook. "I've written down every one of Mr. Remora's stories. Every boring detail is recorded here in my notebook. And Duncan's written down how long, wide, and deep all of Mrs. Bass's objects are. You can study from my notebook, and Klaus can study from Duncan's."

Isadora looked to where her brother had sat, and realized that the two lovebirds had not yet returned. Isadora sighed in annoyance; _they had better be studying out there._

"You can't blame them for searching for a little happiness," Violet said quietly.

"I understand, I honestly do, but at a time like this?" Isadora shook her head. "If we don't use every second of our time towards making certain you three are safe, then Olaf will succeed, and there won't be any room for happiness anymore." Isadora's eyes watered.

"I agree," Violet said. "If we get rid of Olaf, then they'll have plenty of time to argue over who's cuter."

Isadora laughed. "We better go outside and get them."

When Violet and Isadora went outside to check on Duncan and Klaus, they gasped at the empty space in front of them. Their brothers were gone.

"Oh no..." Isadora squeaked. "Duncan!" Isadora's breathing became uneven and jagged. "Do you think Olaf took them?"

"I doubt it," Violet answered. "He wouldn't do it in broad daylight." Violet scanned the yard and spotted a figure dragging two other figures by what seemed to be their ears. Violet pointed towards them to show Isadora. They went to get Sunny, and then walked as fast as they could to catch up to the three figures before they entered the building they were approaching.

"Excuse me, Vice Principal Nero?" Isadora said. Nero let go of Duncan's and Klaus's ears to turn to look at her. The boys look relieved to see their sisters.

"_Excuse me, Vice Principal Nero?" _he mocked. "What do you three want? I'm dealing with important matters."

"What exactly did Duncan and Klaus do wrong?" Isadora asked as kindly as possible.

"I caught their bodies mingling, that's _what Duncan and Klaus did wrong!" _Nero snorted. Violet's eyes widened. Surely her brother's relationship hasn't gone _that_ far yet.

"_Hugging _is hardly a federal offense!" Klaus snapped, which earned him a glare from Isadora. No way they were going to get off easy now.

"_Hugging is hardly a federal offense!" _Nero snapped back. "Mr. Baudelaire, that is for _me _to decide, and for _me _to take care of. You and Tickle-Me-Elmo are going to be serving detention for the next five weeks!" Violet couldn't keep her mouth from dropping in horror. "From now on, straight after school, you will be in Mrs. Bass's room from the time the school day is over to the time my concert begins."

"But how will Klaus study for his exam?" Duncan questioned.

"_But how will Klaus study for his exams?" _Nero mimicked. "He should have thought of that before he littered my campus with his sexuality!" Nero grabbed the boys' ears once again. "No more of this chatter! I must get to my office to sign two slips. Isadora and Violet, you may come along but you know the consequences if you do, so I suggest not." Without another word, Nero stomped into the building, Duncan and Klaus suffering behind him.

"Isn't this just marvelous," Isadora declared sarcastically. "We should have never let them go outside the shack." She put her head in her hands, feeling utterly defeated. Violet put a hand on Isadora's shoulder to comfort her, even though she knew she was right.

"Hopfa!" Sunny insisted, which meant, "Don't give up hope!"

Violet smiled down sadly at her younger sibling. "There is nothing we can do," she said. "We're doomed."

Sunny put her tiny fists on her hips. "Nunsi!" she shouted, which meant, "Nonsense! There has to be a way for Klaus to still study!" She toddled over to Isadora and grabbed the notebook that was still in her hand. "Delvrement," she said, in this case means, "He can hide this in his pocket and secretly memorize in detention."

"What's she saying?" Isadora finally asked when she saw Violet sincerely smiling.

"She's saying we can sneak in Duncan's notes into Mrs. Bass's classroom. It's a great idea, but I have no idea how to get them to him without Mrs. Bass noticing." Isadora face scrunched into a sly smile.

"_We_ can't get the notebook to Klaus," she grinned, "but maybe a special messenger can." Violet's mouth cringed as she wondered what they would have to do to get Carmelita Spats to do them a favor.


End file.
